the worst feeling

The worst feeling is that feeling when I catch you not looking at me. The worst feeling is seeing you completely happy without me. I see your normal smiling face laughing with your friends but the thing missing is me beside you. I miss your smile leaning toward me instead, holding your undivided attention. I miss your poke when you wanted me to hug you or just as a greeting. I miss my best friend. I miss you. Sometimes, I think I’m alright, that I’ll keep managing to live normally but you’ve tainted every single part of my life and I can’t ever stop thinking about you. Everything reminds me in some obscure way about something about your life. I’m going to miss you the most when you’ve moved on. When someone else has that quality that I didn’t have and that will make all of the difference in the world. It will be that day that I will have lost my best friend forever because you’ll be her best friend. Not mine. I miss your family who was my family. I miss that I felt like I had nothing to lose because I thought you were for keeps. I hate feeling this empty and I just wish that sometimes, sometimes that you had not been as amazing as you were. I wish that you had done something just to make me hate you but the only thing I can hate is the awful way that I feel when I lost you. It’s bizarre thinking that we’ll move on. Maybe you already have. But it’s weird to me that we were strangers, then friends, then more than friends, then complete strangers again. I don’t feel as if I can ever let you back in even as a friend because I know that you don’t care. If you did care about my day and as me as a friend, I still can’t trust you anymore. It hurts too much to have you around like you used to. It hurts not to have your eyes only follow me and it stabs me whenever you poke my arm as a greeting. I miss what we had. I miss those memories. But most of all, I miss you.